Smart Funny Sayings

1. Girls improve their looks not their mind, because they know guys are stupid, not blind.

2. And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. - Abraham Lincoln

3. Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W.C. Fields (Mississippi, 1935)

4. He who laughs first laughs last — if nobody laughs in the middle.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

7. Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

8. Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

9. The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.

10. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Very Funny Sayings

1. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

3. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

4. Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"

5. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

6. Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

7. It's better to lose a lover than love a loser.

8. All generalizations are false, including this one.

9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

10. Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print.

REDNECK HAIKU

Ahhh, the haiku. Few poetic styles evoke such stirrings of the soul.
Someone sent me these lovely and heart-touching red neck and trailer park haikus. I’m happy to give proper credit to the talented poet or poets who so beautifully capture the heart of the trailer park. But for now, the creator's must remain a mystery.
And as these poems show, the haiku is a poem which evokes the Mystery of Life. Enjoy, and let your heart be touched!

OFFERINGS

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert.

DRAMA

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock.

NO SIGNAL

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
Needs new descrambler.

IMPOUNDED

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.

GATHERING

In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man.

Redneck Jokes

Ahhh, the haiku.
Few poetic styles evoke such stirrings of the soul. Someone sent me these lovely and heart-touching red neck and trailer park haikus.
I’m happy to give proper credit to the talented poet or poets who so beautifully capture the heart of the trailer park. But for now, the creator/s must remain a mystery.
And as these poems show, the haiku is a poem which evokes the Mystery of Life. Enjoy, and let your heart be touched!

DESIRE

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
You are my cousin.

BEAUTY

Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.

REMORSE

A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.

DEPRIVED

In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass.

OPTIONS

Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.

Redneck Jokes

Ahhh, the haiku. Few poetic styles evoke such stirrings of the soul.
Someone sent me these lovely and heart-touching red neck and trailer park haikus. I’m happy to give proper credit to the talented poet or poets who so beautifully capture the heart of the trailer park.
But for now, the creator's must remain a mystery. And as these poems show, the haiku is a poem which evokes the Mystery of Life.
Enjoy, and let your heart be touched!

BLAZE

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs.

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.

ALONE

Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.

HATRED

I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
God damn Jeff Gordon.

BLONDE MEDICAL DICTIONARY !!!

Artery.............Study of paintings

Bacteria.........Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium...........What to do when treatment fails

Bowel.............Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section....District in Rome

Cat Scan........Searching for Kitty

Cauterize.......Make eye contact with her

Colic..............Sheep Dog

Coma.............Punctuation Mark

Congenital.....Friendly

D & C.............Where Washington is

Dilate.............To live long

Enema...........Not a friend

Fester............Quicker

Genital...........Non-Jewish

Hang Nail.......Coat Hook

Impotent........Distinguished, well known

Labor pain.....Hurt at work

Morbid...........Higher offer

Nitrate............Cheeper than day

Node..............Was aware of

Outpatient.....Person fainted

Post op.........Letter Carrier

Recovery Room.........Place to apholster

Rectum.........Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic....Amorous

Secretion......Hiding something

Tablet...........Small table

Terminal Illness......Sick at Airport

Tibia.............Country in North Africa

Tumor..........More than One

Urine............Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose.......Nearby

Vein..............Conceited

Funny Mistakes in Speaking English

1. I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming *fool.* [Pronunciation Mistake]

2. I hugged my girlfriend and then I *defarted.* [Pronunciation Mistake]

3. A male colleague of mine is forever asking me if i want to go for a drink "after the job"!! I've tried telling him it's "after work" but he insists on making the same mistake over and over again!

4. An Italian colleague told me she wanted to change the "shits"(sheets) on her bed!! They have problems with a double "ee" sound!

5. Another German colleague told me he'd been to the opticians and needed a new pair of eyes!(glasses perhaps?).

6. My wife when organising a party with finger food told all my friends that we would be having just nipples ( nibbles ) to eat.[Most excited we all were]
7. My mother in law was talking about a helpful lady that we met at the Finanzamt (had to sort out Umsatzsteur, that's always fun) and she said:"She seems like a very nice wife."Well, I wonder if her husband agrees... anyways, I guess it's because Frau means woman and wife in German... anyways, I laughed and told her about her mixup. A mistake I made when speaking German. A friend of my wife called us while my wife wasn't available for the phone. I, in my limited German, tried to speak to her (the friend speaks no English). Anyways, I understood that she needed a ride if she were to come and visit.

So I said:"Brauchst du eine fährt?" Thinking this was the correct way to phrase it (using the wrong form of the word farhen). Well, my pronunciation is always a little messed up since I'm learning, so I guess the way it sounded was "Brauchst du eine pferd." On the other end of the line, I think I heard her rolling around and nearly peeing her pants with laughter. Anyways... at least I made someone laugh. Eventually she answered me with "Nein. Ich brauche ein Pfarrer." with an emphasis on Pfarrer. Good thing I guess, because I happened to be fresh out of Pferde at the time.

EMBARRASSING CELEB OOOPS

Here are some of the most famous CELEB OOOPS moments ever recorded… Jessica Simpson, Brittney Spears, Paris Hilton and a lot more.
Some of the funniest and most EMBARRASSING CELEB OOOPS SAYINGS are here.

1. What’s Wal-Mart?
Do they sell, like wall stuff ? — Paris Hilton

2. If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final. — Cyndi Lauper

3. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost an important part of your life. — Brooke Shields

4. It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. — Axl Rose

5. I’d rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when I’m forty-five. — Mick Jagger

6. I’m so smart now. Everyone’s always like ‘take your top off.’ Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid. — Paris Hilton

7. On my first day of Jr. High I was in Geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, Damnit! It’s my first day of 7th grade, Im in jr high and i know this answer. So i raised my hand I was the first one and I said A-E-I-O-U! - Jessica Simpson

Guy-Lady funny Jokes

Guy: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Lady: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.

Guy: “Your body is like a temple.”
Lady: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Guy: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Lady: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account. Then the door.”

Guy: “I would go to the end of the world for you."
Lady: “Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: “Is this seat empty?”
Lady: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Guy: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Lady: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Guy: “Your place or mine?”
Lady: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Guy: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Lady: “It’s in the phone book.”

Guy: “But I don’t know your name.”
Lady: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Guy: “So what do you do for a living?”
Lady: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Guy: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Lady: “Do not Enter”

Guy: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Lady: “Unfertilized !”

Guy: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Lady: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Guy: “I know how to please a woman.”
Lady: “Then please leave me alone.”

Guy: “I want to give myself to you.”
Lady: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Short Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't sleep.

2. From the bottom plate of a lap top: DANGEROUS! DON’T SCREW OFF!

3. A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

4. Whether you think you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

5. All this could be yours for one low, low price!

6. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. -Mark Twain

7. The bandage was wound around the wound.

8. The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

9. Woman want me, Fish fear me.

10. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States. -George W. Bush

Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns.

2. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

3. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

4. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

5. Guy: “Haven’t we met before?”
Lady: “Maybe. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

6. How can 'You're so cool' and 'You're not so hot' be different?

7. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

8. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

9. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.

10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.