Short Funny Quotes

1. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

2. The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.

3. The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.

4. Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.

5. Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

6. I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
- Anonymous.

7. Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

8. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

9. Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- Unknown

Very Funny Smart Quotes and Sayings

1. A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There’s a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It’s frightening.

2. If aliens are looking for intelligent life?! WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SCARED?!

3. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

4. It’s good to be clever, but not to show it.

5. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

6. A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

7. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
- Anonymous.

8. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

9. To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
- Voltaire

Funny Quotes and Sayings

1. A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There’s a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It’s frightening.

2. With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

3. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.

4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

5. The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.

6. Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

7. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

8. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

9. Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
- Anonymous

Funny Short Quotes and Sayings

1. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

2. STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand.

3. If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

4. Divide and conquer.

5. If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.

6. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

7. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

8. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

9. Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.
- Confucius

Smart Funny Sayings

1. Girls improve their looks not their mind, because they know guys are stupid, not blind.

2. And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. - Abraham Lincoln

3. Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W.C. Fields (Mississippi, 1935)

4. He who laughs first laughs last — if nobody laughs in the middle.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

7. Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

8. Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

9. The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.

10. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Very Funny Sayings

1. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

3. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

4. Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"

5. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

6. Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

7. It's better to lose a lover than love a loser.

8. All generalizations are false, including this one.

9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

10. Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print.

Short Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't sleep.

2. From the bottom plate of a lap top: DANGEROUS! DON’T SCREW OFF!

3. A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.

4. Whether you think you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

5. All this could be yours for one low, low price!

6. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. -Mark Twain

7. The bandage was wound around the wound.

8. The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

9. Woman want me, Fish fear me.

10. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States. -George W. Bush

Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns.

2. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

3. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

4. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

5. Guy: “Haven’t we met before?”
Lady: “Maybe. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

6. How can 'You're so cool' and 'You're not so hot' be different?

7. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

8. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

9. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.

10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.