Celebs Quotes and Sayings

1. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

2. Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

3. Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

4. Time is an illusion, lunchtime, doubly so.

5. A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have.

6. We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.
- George Bush

7. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubba

8. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
- Euripides

Short Funny Quotes

1. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

2. The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.

3. The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.

4. Patience is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.

5. Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.

6. I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
- Anonymous.

7. Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

8. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

9. Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
- Unknown

Very Funny Smart Quotes and Sayings

1. A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There’s a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It’s frightening.

2. If aliens are looking for intelligent life?! WHY THE HECK ARE YOU SCARED?!

3. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

4. It’s good to be clever, but not to show it.

5. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

6. A difference of tastes in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

7. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
- Anonymous.

8. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

9. To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
- Voltaire

Very Funny Short Sayings and Quotes

1. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

2. I say no to drugs, but they don’t listen.

3. You can’t just let nature run wild.

4. Being cool, is not trying to be cool.

5. Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

6. I am short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
- Woody Allen

7. ARCHITECT is One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce

8. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

9. To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
- Gustave Flaubert

Funny Short Quotes and Sayings

1. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

2. STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand.

3. If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

4. Divide and conquer.

5. If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.

6. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

7. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

8. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

9. Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.
- Confucius

Redneck Jokes

Ahhh, the haiku. Few poetic styles evoke such stirrings of the soul.
Someone sent me these lovely and heart-touching red neck and trailer park haikus. I’m happy to give proper credit to the talented poet or poets who so beautifully capture the heart of the trailer park.
But for now, the creator's must remain a mystery. And as these poems show, the haiku is a poem which evokes the Mystery of Life.
Enjoy, and let your heart be touched!

BLAZE

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.

A NEW MOON

Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs.

EXUBERANCE

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.

ALONE

Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.

HATRED

I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
God damn Jeff Gordon.

BLONDE MEDICAL DICTIONARY !!!

Artery.............Study of paintings

Bacteria.........Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium...........What to do when treatment fails

Bowel.............Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section....District in Rome

Cat Scan........Searching for Kitty

Cauterize.......Make eye contact with her

Colic..............Sheep Dog

Coma.............Punctuation Mark

Congenital.....Friendly

D & C.............Where Washington is

Dilate.............To live long

Enema...........Not a friend

Fester............Quicker

Genital...........Non-Jewish

Hang Nail.......Coat Hook

Impotent........Distinguished, well known

Labor pain.....Hurt at work

Morbid...........Higher offer

Nitrate............Cheeper than day

Node..............Was aware of

Outpatient.....Person fainted

Post op.........Letter Carrier

Recovery Room.........Place to apholster

Rectum.........Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic....Amorous

Secretion......Hiding something

Tablet...........Small table

Terminal Illness......Sick at Airport

Tibia.............Country in North Africa

Tumor..........More than One

Urine............Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose.......Nearby

Vein..............Conceited

Funny Mistakes in Speaking English

1. I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming *fool.* [Pronunciation Mistake]

2. I hugged my girlfriend and then I *defarted.* [Pronunciation Mistake]

3. A male colleague of mine is forever asking me if i want to go for a drink "after the job"!! I've tried telling him it's "after work" but he insists on making the same mistake over and over again!

4. An Italian colleague told me she wanted to change the "shits"(sheets) on her bed!! They have problems with a double "ee" sound!

5. Another German colleague told me he'd been to the opticians and needed a new pair of eyes!(glasses perhaps?).

6. My wife when organising a party with finger food told all my friends that we would be having just nipples ( nibbles ) to eat.[Most excited we all were]
7. My mother in law was talking about a helpful lady that we met at the Finanzamt (had to sort out Umsatzsteur, that's always fun) and she said:"She seems like a very nice wife."Well, I wonder if her husband agrees... anyways, I guess it's because Frau means woman and wife in German... anyways, I laughed and told her about her mixup. A mistake I made when speaking German. A friend of my wife called us while my wife wasn't available for the phone. I, in my limited German, tried to speak to her (the friend speaks no English). Anyways, I understood that she needed a ride if she were to come and visit.

So I said:"Brauchst du eine fährt?" Thinking this was the correct way to phrase it (using the wrong form of the word farhen). Well, my pronunciation is always a little messed up since I'm learning, so I guess the way it sounded was "Brauchst du eine pferd." On the other end of the line, I think I heard her rolling around and nearly peeing her pants with laughter. Anyways... at least I made someone laugh. Eventually she answered me with "Nein. Ich brauche ein Pfarrer." with an emphasis on Pfarrer. Good thing I guess, because I happened to be fresh out of Pferde at the time.

EMBARRASSING CELEB OOOPS

Here are some of the most famous CELEB OOOPS moments ever recorded… Jessica Simpson, Brittney Spears, Paris Hilton and a lot more.
Some of the funniest and most EMBARRASSING CELEB OOOPS SAYINGS are here.

1. What’s Wal-Mart?
Do they sell, like wall stuff ? — Paris Hilton

2. If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final. — Cyndi Lauper

3. Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost an important part of your life. — Brooke Shields

4. It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. — Axl Rose

5. I’d rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when I’m forty-five. — Mick Jagger

6. I’m so smart now. Everyone’s always like ‘take your top off.’ Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid. — Paris Hilton

7. On my first day of Jr. High I was in Geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, Damnit! It’s my first day of 7th grade, Im in jr high and i know this answer. So i raised my hand I was the first one and I said A-E-I-O-U! - Jessica Simpson

Guy-Lady funny Jokes

Guy: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Lady: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.

Guy: “Your body is like a temple.”
Lady: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Guy: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Lady: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account. Then the door.”

Guy: “I would go to the end of the world for you."
Lady: “Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: “Is this seat empty?”
Lady: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Guy: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Lady: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Guy: “Your place or mine?”
Lady: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Guy: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Lady: “It’s in the phone book.”

Guy: “But I don’t know your name.”
Lady: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Guy: “So what do you do for a living?”
Lady: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Guy: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Lady: “Do not Enter”

Guy: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Lady: “Unfertilized !”

Guy: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Lady: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Guy: “I know how to please a woman.”
Lady: “Then please leave me alone.”

Guy: “I want to give myself to you.”
Lady: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Funny Sayings and Quotes

1. A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns.

2. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

3. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

4. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

5. Guy: “Haven’t we met before?”
Lady: “Maybe. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

6. How can 'You're so cool' and 'You're not so hot' be different?

7. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

8. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

9. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.

10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.